Routine. Wake up. Make coffee. Tend to dog. Drink coffee. Walk dog. Household chores. Write. Shower. Write. Periodic glimpses of social media. More chores or errands. Etc., etc., etc. Wait, Jeopardy. “This is Jeopardy.” (Oh no, Alex Trebek passed.)
Coffee and conversation with a friend. Lunch with a friend. Walk or ride the bike. Dinner or drinks with a friend. Shopping with a friend. Or maybe all of the aforementioned absolutely solo because you don’t wish to inflict you on anyone else. Read a really good book.
Wake up next to the person you love. Wake up next to a person who makes you feel loved. Wake up and laugh with a person who makes you laugh. Spend the day with someone special who gets you, makes you feel alive, and who makes you laugh, cry, and feel all your feelings without shame, guilt, or a need to apologize. (Okay, this part might be a dream, but it could be true–especially if you ever recognize that you are the person you need to love; you are the person who makes you laugh; you are the person who gives yourself permission to feel all of your feelings.)
Read everything you have written thus far and resist the urge to scrap it.
Do all of the above every God damn day of the week and realize that this is your life, but it doesn’t have to be.
Write about how God damn grateful you are to be here.
Now, think. Are you living or lying in state or in a state?
Sylvia and Erma, where are you today?
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"ARE YOU THERE, ERMA? IT'S ME, SYLVIA." 
There is so much here to think and talk about, it’s hard to know where to begin. You describe both the desolate emptiness and the longed-for freedom women are often torn between, as well as the feeling of just going through the required motions until we have either created the life we want or our life has ended. Divorce, widowhood, and/or empty nests after years of longing for some time on our own to focus on ourselves can leaves us feeling empty, yet guilty, yet frustrated, yet overwhelmed when it actually happens. Then you add the isolation of COVID-19 on top of it.
I love the idea of waking up to the one you love, even if it is just yourself. You’ve also made me appreciate writing even more as a way to reflect on a day or experience and add meaning and value to it.
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Thank you for your insightful and thoughtful comments, Theresa. Oft times, I set down the writing and feel I’ve left it unfinished; and then, I forgive myself or commend myself depending on the moment as I recall that I am nowhere near done.
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There is a lot here to think about. Rut or routine? Life or depression? There are so many seasons in a woman’s life. I work hard at living one day at a time and have evolved in the last years as knowing however many people love and care about me, in the end, I only have myself. So I best like and love myself because I am the one constant here for the duration.
I have found with the exception of the rare God awful day, there is good in each of them. Savor that and be grateful. It all passes and far too quickly if we are looking back or forward.
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The words in this piece wash over me and I fully relate to the feelings I get from it. This year in particular has been challenging. So many I know are going through the motions to keep up with responsibilities to keep things going, and yet feeling so detached. This year I had to work much harder to pluck out the joys of life! What gives me a lot of peace and what you bring up here is is remembering that as a default, we will always be our own best friends- and that is something to celebrate! On top of that, we have a wealth of people who love us…but to remember that much of what we need efficiently resides within us already..is a relief…sometimes we just must work harder to find our way back. Because you are such a beautiful writer.. you are so lucky you get to spend time with YOU. (Who wouldn’t want to spend time with you and that great mind of yours?) All of this said.. I think many of us are “in a state” even a haze, and I think it is worth it to shake things up in our routines…that almost always brings good things! Love you!
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